You're Allowed to Struggle: Perinatal Mental Health and the Myth of Maternal Joy

The Gap Between Expectation and Reality

We are handed a very particular story about pregnancy and motherhood — one where women glow, where new mothers instinctively know what to do, where love floods in immediately and everything falls into place. The reality, for a significant number of people, is far more complicated.

Perinatal mental health refers to emotional wellbeing during pregnancy and in the first year after birth. This period — one of the most profound biological, relational, and identity transitions a person can experience — is also one of the most common times for mental health challenges to emerge or intensify.

What Falls Under Perinatal Mental Health

The perinatal period can bring up a wide range of experiences:

• Prenatal anxiety or depression
• Postpartum depression (PPD)
• Postpartum anxiety — which is often underrecognized
• Birth trauma
• Pregnancy loss: miscarriage, stillbirth, infertility
• Perinatal OCD, including intrusive thoughts
• Bonding difficulties or NICU stress
• Identity shifts and grief around the "before"

You Are Not a Bad Mother for Struggling

One of the cruelest aspects of postpartum mental health struggles is the shame that so often accompanies them. You expected to feel joy. Instead you feel scared, numb, angry, or disconnected. And then you feel guilty for not feeling what you're "supposed to."

Let's be clear: struggling emotionally during this period does not mean you don't love your baby. It doesn't mean you're failing as a mother. It means you are a human being going through one of the most demanding transitions in human experience — often on very little sleep, with a completely changed body and identity, while caring for another person's survival.

What Postpartum Depression Actually Looks Like

Postpartum depression is one of the most common and most underdiagnosed conditions in new parents. It isn't always what we picture. It can be:

• Feeling irritable or angry rather than sad
• A sense of numbness or disconnection from your baby
• Intrusive, frightening thoughts (a hallmark of perinatal OCD, not "craziness")
• Feeling like your family would be better off without you
• Anxiety that makes it hard to sleep even when the baby is sleeping
• Going through the motions without feeling present

Asking for Help Is an Act of Love

Perinatal mental health conditions are highly treatable — with therapy, support, and when appropriate, medication. Asking for help isn't a sign that you're failing. It's one of the most courageous and loving things you can do for yourself and for your child.

Research consistently shows that a mother's mental health is deeply connected to her child's wellbeing and development. Taking care of yourself is taking care of your baby.

You Don't Have to Navigate This Alone

There is no prize for suffering in silence through this season. If you are pregnant or postpartum and struggling — whether that's anxiety, sadness, intrusive thoughts, or just the feeling that something is off — please reach out. You deserve support. And your family deserves a version of you that is genuinely cared for.

About the Author

Tracey Nguyen, LMFT

Tracey is a Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist (LMFT #146704) offering telehealth therapy across California. She specializes in anxiety, depression, trauma, relationships, and perinatal mental health — and offers sessions in both English and Vietnamese.

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